Maybe it’s because I’m so task oriented, but I’ve gotten pretty good at stuffing emotions away. That is, until tasks no longer require my attention and my heart has the chance to breathe. Then all the feels start coming out. And usually it all goes back to the fact that I’m still single.
I know I’ve prayed for God’s best and I’ve surrendered this part of my life to God’s timing; but as I look around and see God fulfilling so many promises in my life, I can’t help but look at Him with a few tears and ask, “Why does it seem like nothing is happening here? Why aren’t you fulfilling this longing?”
Perhaps it’s not the right timing, or maybe God has a few more pieces to get into place. Sometimes I even wonder if I’m the issue. Have I not done enough? Am I not good enough or pretty enough or interesting enough to be pursued? Have I not said the right thing or do I not have the right personality? Sitting here as a twenty-three year old woman and having never been on a date and never been pursued by a guy (much less told by someone that they were interested in me) it hurts.
It feels silly that the desire for a relationship occupies so much of me, but the truth is, this singleness stuff is difficult. People try to push the whole “enjoy your single years” and “press into Jesus” but I think they forget that longing and loneliness aren’t comforted by these phrases. Things like that actually grate on my heart. The message I get when someone tells me something like that is that I must be doing something wrong. They remind me of the fact that I have been rejected instead of chosen.
The Lord’s whisper reminds me that none of those things are true. I am precious and loved, chosen and beautifully made. I’m wonderful just the way I am.
But those wounds and lies feel true as I look around at this barren place.
I want to be able to put on a face and say that my season of singleness is great and be some poster child for content singles everywhere, but that’s just not the reality of my journey. This is hard and it hurts too often to admit. I don’t want to complain about being single. It’s the reason why this blog post has taken me so long to write. For the last few days I haven’t known the words to describe my aching heart. Loneliness? Tired of the wilderness? Tired of waiting? Left out? Not feeling good enough? Childlike and immature?
All of the above?
Where’s the line between complaining and being honest with where I am? Where’s the line between, “God, you’re wrong and I don’t trust you” and, “God, this is really, really hard right now”?
There are seasons when life gets really hard. Our hearts know pain, but they don’t know how to speak it. Or we don’t want to speak it. So we fake it.
Sometimes life is going good for us, but a close friend or family member is going through a rough season and we’re not sure how to help them. We can be quick to offer advice or help . There are times when a good kick in the pants or some advice is necessary. But more often than not people just need someone to sit with them, ask how their heart is really doing, then listen while they dump the mess at our feet.
Don’t say a word; just listen.
Be the one to accept the broken and bleeding heart of someone in a difficult season.
And if you’re that person with the battered heart, I pray God shows you someone who will hold your hand and your heart through this season.
I also pray that you would know how close God is.
Through it all He is with you and He is working all of this out for your good.
Live in His love!
Related: A Note From a Single Woman