I’ve spent the last three months wrestling with God.
And if I’m honest, I’m still wrestling with Him.
Wrestling with Him over how aspects of my life have played out–areas where I feel like He’s just not coming through, and all the related pain that I blame Him for.
It’s funny, though, because as mad as I’ve been at Him, I haven’t walked away. If anything I’ve come closer, which I realize is entirely opposite of a normal human response.
When we’re angry with someone, normally the gut reaction is to leave–to turn our backs and walk away. We might work things out eventually with another human, depending on the circumstances; but when it comes to anger toward God, we humans are quick to turn the other way and just say “Forget it.”
Yet for some reason, I haven’t. Though I am flat out furious with God about some things, I’m still here wrestling with Him because I still expect Him to show up and do something amazing.
Wrestling with God vs. Fighting against God
Before we go any further, I want to make something clear: Wrestling with God is not the same as fighting against Him.
There was a season during my first year of college when I fought against God. I ignored Him, disobeyed Him, avoided Him. I didn’t want to do what He was asking me to do, so I did my best to cut ties and just go on with my life.
And let me just say that those were the most miserable sixth months of my life. After I finally gave in and surrendered to what the Lord was asking of me, I vowed to never go through something like that again–to never fight against God again.
Wrestling is different. To wrestle with God means…well…I think I’ll let the original God-wrestler speak on that topic.
The Original God-Wrestler
In Genesis 32 we meet a man who wrestled with God. He didn’t just wrestle with God in his heart or in his spirit. He was physically in a wrestling match with God.
This man’s name was Jacob.
Jacob was the son of Isaac and the grandson of Abraham, and he doesn’t exactly have the best reputation, at least not in his earlier years. His name means deceiver and he lives up to it when he steals both the birthright and the blessing of the firstborn from his older twin brother, Esau. That stunt puts his life in danger and causes him to flea to his uncle Laban’s house.
Along the way Jacob meets God for the first time at a place called Bethel and promises to follow Him if God blesses and protects him (Genesis 28:20-22).
While living with his uncle, Jacob ends up marrying both of Laban’s daughters, though not exactly by choice. He had his eye on Rachel, but Laban had his own bit of deception hidden up his sleeve, and Jacob ended up with Leah too. After several years, God told Jacob to return to the land of his father (Genesis 31:3).
It’s on this journey home that Jacob finds himself wrestling with God. He is about to cross the water and enter the land where his brother has settled. He has already sent his household on ahead when we read about the wrestling match:
24 And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. 30 So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” 31 The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the people of Israel do not eat the sinew of the thigh that is on the hip socket, because he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip on the sinew of the thigh.
Through these last several months, I’ve been sitting on this passage, revisiting it often because it’s given me permission to do the one thing I think too many of us are afraid to do when life gets hard and we begin to question if God is good: it gives us permission to wrestle.
We’re often taught that any doubt or questions we have when it comes to matters of faith means we must be lacking faith. But the reality is, it actually takes faith to wrestle with our questions and doubts.
When we’re willing to step into the ring with God and wrestle Him with our doubts, our questions, our hurts and disappointments, that’s when things begin to change for us. That’s when our hearts are set free and our relationship with God deepens.
Trials have a strange way of bringing people closer together, and the same is true with God.
When we’re willing to wrestle with Him through hard seasons and things that hurt and are hard to understand, that’s when we grow.
Right now I’m pulling a Jacob and I’m hanging on, demanding a blessing. It may not turn out to be the blessing I’m asking for, but at the very least, I know whatever God gives it will change me for the better. Because at the very least, wrestling with God means I get more of Him.
Maybe there is something in your life or hidden deep in your heart that you need to wrestle out with God. Maybe that thing has caused you to turn away from Him, but even now you feel your heart stirring, longing for intimacy with Him again.
You don’t need to be happy with God in order to come close to Him.
You don’t need to be free of doubts.
Like with Jacob, God opens His hands wide and invites us to wrestle with Him. Allow yourself to receive the invitation. Step into the ring and grab hold of Him and don’t let go. Ask Him for blessing. Ask Him to show up and reveal Himself to you, and be willing to stay in that ring until He does.
Live in His love!
I related so much to this post. Whenever I have wrestled with God, God seems to always draw me closer. God’s Love is amazing!
I love the distinction you’ve made between wrestling and fighting with God, Jazmin! And I’m praying that as you wrestle with God, you grow even closer than you already feel and see. Thank you for reminding us that we can do the same and gain more of God and not less!
I love this. I’ve also often wrestled with God. I guess its because I want to make sure I understand Him and get what He promised. I love how you remind us that its ok to have our doubts. Faith is pushing past doubt and beliving God is all He says He is regardless of how things in life are looking.
I often tell myself a quote I’ve heard several times: Ask God what part of His character He wants to reveal to you through this challenge. This quote is amazing and part of wrestling coz its pushing into God to encounter Him even more.
Great post
I’ve been wrestling with God all summer. It’s hard and sometimes painful but yet good to be honest and really question him. I’ve been getting some answers and reassurance so now I am wrestling and asking for a blessing. I sometimes forget about that part of the story. Same as Job I’ve felt like Job a lot. I’ve lost everything and struggled with God. Now it’s time to have my life restored the way Job’s was.
Job’s is another wrestling match I’ve kept close too. Praying God continues to show up and show off in your life, and that you would become intimately aware of His constant love for you.
Been there and done that – to my good – and when I finally figured out His awesome goodness and decided to do things His way, a chronically sore hip I’d had was healed. 🙂
This message hit home tonight. I find myself doubting , questioning my faith and still waiting on God for answers. Even as I minister to other I hear God speak in the still quiet moments. Just a whisper… I love you my child… And I am weeping like a baby. And the confirmation He gives me as I am willing and obedient…
I love it! I’m right here right now! It’s 3:00 am and he and I are going to wrestle until he gets tired of me and says you have your blessing!
I am 52 years old never married and no children. However, I desire to get married. I am not even dating. I have tied to make sure God is first in my life. I have prayed, I have fasted, I have trusted, I have believed, I have read scriptures, I have purged my home of all past relationships…. still not even a date. It feels like I am invisible. I have not made wise choices regarding men in the past and need God’s help in this area. I do realize that God’s timing differs from mine.
Reading this passage about Jacob makes me believe there is another level of seeking God. Pray with me to stay in God’s will and wait on His timing.
Amen
You have no idea how much I needed to read this. I often kick myself for not ‘having enough faith’ but this has reminded me having doubts is normal and there is a distinction between fighting against God and wrestling with Him. Thanks!
I’ve been waiting on things to happen, 2016 I broken a femur bone. I had to learn to walk again. I did in three months. Later, 2017 a child was born, with the help of me. I hardly got to see the child. In addition, 2020-2021 I’ve been wrestling on getting time with child that never been offer to me. It’s been a good wrestle because I got to see child for like 2 hours. Thank GOD, the help of court got me time with child. I pray with the help of GOD get me more time with child.