God: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Oh, you know, just stuff.” I glance nonchalantly at Him then turn back to my work, hoping He won’t ask any more questions. But of course…
God: “You know that’s not going to do anything, right?”
I ignore Him. He doesn’t know. He needs me to make this happen. So, I just keep working.
God: “Jazmin…” the way He says my name, such depth, such knowing. That one word, my name, spoken so lovingly yet with authority and knowledge I sometimes wish I could hide from.
My hands stop their work and I stare straight ahead, not wanting to meet His gaze.
Oh, Jazmin. When will you ever learn? When will you ever understand that you can’t do enough or be enough or work it out in such a way that you are responsible for making it happen? How many times does God have to tell you? How many times do you have to spiral down into this emotional and spiritual slump before you realize that what you’re doing isn’t working. Blame it on thinking or planning. You can wish for a jar to hold your brain to give you a break from all the thinking but you know the real issue….
You know that verse in Matthew about how you can’t serve two masters? You will either hate one and love the other or be devoted to one and despise the other (Matthew 6:24). The verse is talking about serving God or money. You can’t do both. We have to choose one.
But that concept applies to other things too…like relationships. I’ve wrapped myself up in anxious knots thinking God needs my help working out this whole guy-thing. I run and I strive until I’m finally sick of it. I don’t want this anymore. God, what’s wrong with me? Why is this so hard? What am I doing wrong?
“Cease striving and know that I am God. Know Me…”
The real issue? My focus has been off. Way off. What if it doesn’t happen? What if God’s plans are different than mine? What if…what if…what if? I’m so afraid of something that may or may not happen that I’m missing what is. Or rather, Who is.
He is here.
He is enough.
He is good.
He is capable and faithful and true.
He knows and He cares and He sees.
And so as we wrap up this pursuit series, I’m brought back to that one question God often has to pose to me: “Do you trust Me?”
Do you realize how hard that question is to answer when you find yourself clutching your dreams and plans and you realize that if you answer yes, you have to drop it all and run full steam ahead after Jesus Christ? It’s scary stuff. Not exactly because of what’s ahead, but because I’m afraid of what I might be leaving behind. What if He doesn’t do it? What if it’s not what I planned? What if…what if…what if?
Here is some assurance, something I’ve never caught before in that Matthew passage:
“No one can serve to masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. Therefore, I tell you do not be anxious about your life…”
Why shouldn’t I be anxious? The next several verses explain that God feeds the birds of the air. Aren’t I worth more than them? And those lilies out in the field over there, they are dressed so beautifully, better than royalty, better than King Solomon himself. And if that’s what God does for the birds and if that’s how He clothes the flowers that are here one day and gone the next, won’t He care for me too? Without my having to do anything?
Don’t worry. God’s got this. I can keep my paws off because He will take care of me.
That’s a promise. A bold declaration. God’s word.
So, I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, and with it…Lord, I surrender. I don’t know what I’m doing. This pursuit thing is hard and it has held way too much of my attention. I’ve been pursuing other things when I should be pursuing you. Lord, shift my focus. Let me fight off the distractions and fix my eyes completely on you. Let me remember and know to the core of my heart that you are for me, you are not against me. You are faithful and true. You are good. You fight on my behalf and you draw me close. You want my everything and you won’t let me settle. Lord, I don’t want to settle for anything less.
So…keep pursuing me. Keep drawing me again and again to the question: Do I trust you? Yes, Lord, I trust you. Therefore I will not be anxious about my love life. I will not rush around trying to work this thing out on my own. If I’m single, great. I will praise you. If you bless me with someone, great. I will praise you. If you do it soon or in a decade, I will praise you. But through it all, Lord, I want to place my heart in your hands, to serve you alone, to know that you are God and you are here.
And in reality, that’s all I need to know.
You. Are. Here.
I hope that these last several posts have been challenging and enlightening. I know they have been for me. Not all of the lessons have been fun, but I see God’s hand in all of it. As we move forward from here, may we do so in faith, knowing that we are covered by the love of Christ and that daily He pursues us. And may we be blessed in this journey by knowing more of Him and trusting in the fact that we are known by Him.
Live in His love!