Dear Mr. Man: Questioning Me

Dear Mr. Man Questioning Me

**I’ve been writing letters to my future husband for several years. It helps me be honest with where I am, and it makes the waiting a little easier. Instead of feeling like I have to push all of these feelings away and save all of these words, God’s used these letters as a way to help me process my heart. And every once in a while, one of those letters ends up in a blog post…**

Dear Mr. Man,

Do you ever question the way God’s wired you? I feel like that’s all I’ve done this week. Every time I think I’m okay with where I’m at in this healing process and letting God do His good work in me, something small happens that reminds me just how broken I am.

It reveals my lack of trust that God knows that He’s doing and He’s made me this way for a reason.

One thing I’ve really been ranting about to Him lately is that I’m a physical touch type of person. It’s not just a desire, but a need–something I think people don’t understand. Often I look at other couples with fingers entwined or arms around each other, and my heart aches.

“Lord, I just want to be held,” I pray with tears choking up my throat. And when I don’t get that, I feel abandoned and less than and unloved. I wish for you to be near and wrap me in your arms, to hold me close and remind that I am loved. I know that truth in my heart. I know that even when space separates us, my people love me. But it’s just not the same…

This has been something I’ve struggled with and have long asked God why He made me this way. Why would He wire me with this desire if He Himself can’t reach down and hold me tight? Why would He give me this physical need to be touched and embraced only to have me ache because people don’t understand or don’t know how to meet that need? It makes me angry. And quite frankly it’s the reason I’m checking all the local animal shelters and looking into getting a dog in the next couple of months. I know it won’t solve all of my problems, but I’m hoping that a furry friend who doesn’t mind to cuddle might provide some much needed comfort that people haven’t been able to fill.

I’ve also been questioning this passion in my heart for stories. I was in the bookstore the other day, picking up a Bible study and browsing the aisles. I’d been there nearly an hour, but I didn’t want to leave. Tears brimmed in my eyes and I desperately wanted to roll out a sleeping back and sleep among the books. God’s presence felt so strong in that place, and my heart yearned to crack open some of the covers and see how God would meet with me.

But I also questioned those desires. I found myself anxiously praying that I would desire God’s Word more than all these stories. I found myself questioning whether the emotional response was because I was idolizing these books.

Then yesterday I sat in a theater to watch the new Beauty and the Beast. All the controversy over this movie had me judging the story, not really engaged,  until the Beast took Belle into the library. Then…more tears. I felt so stupid.

Dear Mr. Man Questioning Me

Seriously?! Why do stories have such power over my emotions?

And why is it that God would place this desire on my hear to tell stories? It feels like such a small thing. Can writing books really be much of a ministry?

Silly questions coming from this bookworm.

Stories have changed me. They have been avenues of healing and Jesus-encounters, and helped truth sink a little deeper. I know they can change lives; but in the grand scheme of things….?

Why this, Lord?

Because He knows the same thing I do when I don’t let logic get in the way: stories are powerful. They have the power to break down our defenses and make us vulnerable enough to see our true hearts; they challenge us to change the world; they provide opportunities for God to step in and continue His good work in us. And my hope is that as these stories find their way from my heart to the page, others will experience that type of vulnerability and closeness with Jesus. My prayer is that these stories meet people in the midst of celebration and loneliness and despair and confusion, and that God whispers truth and assurance and love and grace.

I don’t know…I guess I’m just questioning me, questioning God. I’m feeling lonely and hurt and just wishing it would all be fixed. Wishing that you were here so I could finally speak all these words to you instead of writing yet another letter you may never read.

I wish you were here…But you’re not. And I have to trust that God has a purpose in that too.

Know that I’m praying for you; praying that you would hear the Lord leading you and meeting you in any hurt or confusion you carry. I’m praying that the Lord would show you the way to walk, that He would declares His plans over you, and that you would hear and obey. And I’m praying that sometime in the near future, part of His plans include crossing our paths and opening our eyes to the love story He’s been writing for us all along.

Keep seeking Him.

With love,

Related: Hello Heart

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